Memorial Day

Hey there American peoples! It's Memorial Day (not to be confused with "Mammorial Day" which occurs only in porn). It is a day to not be at work - gets full points right there, really - and remember stuff. I'm not sure what stuff but I think it's to do with wars and servicemen and veterans and people no longer with us and I probably should not make light of it at all, however, since this is me and I don't see a blue moon, I probably will anyway.

Here are some random things I remember:

The time the Evil Queen and myself superglued Mr. Panty Waist's stapler to his desk so he had to staple all day at a really weird angle.

One afternoon spent drinking red, white and blue margaritas on July 4th and having a blue tongue the rest of the day

Hiding from Daleks when I was little.

Driving in a convertible over the Golden Gate Bridge on a sunny day

Living here in lower Manhattan on September 11th 2001

Getting drunk before my band played a show, tripping over a cord and falling off the stage onto my ass (And no, I don't have a donkey)

The first time I got on my moped I accidentally twisted the grip and shot across the road into a fence at the speed of light. Well, OK, 30MPH. It FELT fast. The only thing injured was my dignity. And the framed photo of Bill O'Reilly I carry with me at all times. Well one of those things, anyway.

Would you like a pie for Memorial Day? Your wish is my command. Here's one I just baked especially.

Lady of Leisure

I called in sick to work today and I'm not really sick! What a rebel of society, ladies and gentlemen! I live on the edge, let me tell you.

OK, so technically I do have a headache and cramps too (you don't have to read that part, gentlemen, oh wait, you already did!) so that sort of constitutes being "sick", no? It's also pissing down with rain in New York City and that's reason enough for me. I'd hate to get wet. "I'm melting, I'm meeeeeelting..."

Plus, my good entertainment buddy isn't around today to keep me busy and laughing in an Uberlord-free work day and what am I supposed to do - entertain myself? Pffft! Not damn likely.

What I'm going to do is, go back to bed in about five minutes for a nap, get up, eat lunch (grilled cheese sounds pretty good), do something productive (I haven't decided what yet, ok, I'm working on it.) and maybe have another nap for balance. What a happy, rested and delightfully sane Guv'ner I will be by the day's end at which time I will proceed to procure snacks and alcohol and watch stuff that's been piling up on my DVR since November, while sprawling on the couch. Ah good times. Uberlord free, fancy good times.

Admit it, you're all jealous of my leisurely day aren't you?

I might fit caffeine in somewhere. And possibly beer. You know, at different times...

I'd make a pie chart to demonstrate all this but you know what? I can't be assed. You'll live.

Do Not Fuck With The Guv'ner

I am what you might call "severely awake" today, which is a) scary, b) unusual on a weekday for me (or indeed any day if we're being honest here) and c) is good for me - bad for everyone else, because this means I will get up to no good, attack all your blogs with ridiculous comments and might even attempt some work! Yes, really!

Talking of work, I've been trying to pull this meeting together for weeks that involves ten people all situated in different parts of the world. Naturally, all these people are 'muy importado' and expect the meeting to revolve around their particular needs, forgetting everyone else involved is equally important and absolutely as needy. This always turns into one ginormous clusterfuck of nuclear proportions filled with passive aggressive office politics that makes me want to take everyone out back, line them up against the wall and shoot them in the head. Quite honestly, I'd get more done if they were all lying in a pool of blood in the courtyard. Well let's face it, I wouldn' t have to schedule that meeting for a start.

Ok, I maybe wouldn't kill them but I'd definitely enjoy tasering (tasing?) their genitals.

I'd spare this one guy though. This guy, no matter when I email everyone for information or to give instructions for something - no matter what it is, this one guy always responds promptly with the exact information required. He's like a ninja, with his finger on the pulse. No sooner does my email drop onto his inbox than his finger is on the dial to call me or he fires back a response. That guy is awesome. Or in love with me, I don't know.

Oh wait, I just saw my crazy hair in the mirror and conclude that no, he's definitely just diligent.

He's the only one though. I have to threaten to castrate people or boil their babies to get answers normally. Or people contact me giving totally the wrong information that I didn't ask for.

And of course when people do respond correctly, none of them actually ever AGREE on a date or time or location. So it's pointless. A bit like this blog entry. Well not pointless exactly, there IS a chart:

Not HERE, Over THERE!

Happy weekend day of not being at work (I hope!) people! I just popped online to point all you fine people over HERE today, since it's that time of the month again. No, not THAT time of the month, you filthy beast. I mean I'm being typically obnoxious for the Mustache.

Come join in the fun!

Brain Melt

My brain is so fried today that I managed to book a conference call for participants in NY and London for 8:30am London time with the smug knowledge that “With the five hour time difference that’s 1:30pm New York time and everyone will be happy!”

And they were.

Until two hours later when we all remembered that London is actually five hours AHEAD and I’d actually booked the call for 3:30AM in NYC, which caused decidedly LESS hilarity. Ha! Much as it thrills me to think of these hosers having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to talk about brand marketing and other scintillating subjects of that ilk, I think I prefer breathing without a respirator, so I reluctantly changed it to something more reasonable (and boring). Bah.

I also had to edit a presentation which involved me inserting a pie chart. I think you all know my affinity for pie charts by now, although the one I did today was infinitely less fun than the ones I normally produce for this blog. I always think a slice of any pie chart should be reserved for “Who cares?” because they’re always concerned with the most banal facts or figures ever - the sort of thing that if you read it in paragraph form would turn you glassy-eyed and homicidal in moments. My theory is, that’s the only reason anyone uses pie charts at all – to break the monotony of a bunch of typed figures with some pretty colors and gay abandon.

Plus they make you think about warm apple pie and custard which is never a bad thing. Although that might just be me… Mmmmm pie.

The Guv'ner Is Not Insane

Due to a lull in proceedings today I have messed around a lot. I know, it's NOT like me and thanks for noticing.

My Gmail account today had a header at the top of the page with the link to a quiz called "Are You Insane?" I have no idea why they thought to place that there because normally those headers are related to the stuff entering your inbox and your basic personality.

I figure that the thing that enters my inbox most, apart from enticements about making my tallywhacker bigger and 'cease and desist' orders, are comments from you people, hence where the "insane" part comes in. Thanks a lot people! Now I have a reputation at gmail for being slightly south of barking mad. At least it replaced the blurbs about Afroman that were there before. Believe me you don't want to know the reasoning behind that...

Naturally, I had to try this quiz, if only to prove I am clearly not insane in any manner.

Hot damn. This quiz is obviously rigged!!!

I take issue with this quiz, because I answered those stupid questions completely rationally and in a sober, thoughtful manner and seemingly this is the thanks I get.

Plus, I know I passed the test because once I realized they were blackmailing me to sign up for all kinds of nasty offers and shit before they'd give me my score, I tried to close it down and then they got all panicky and were like, "Oh Guv, here is your rating, please don't go, the real quiz was that if you went through all those crazy sign-up pages just to find out if you were insane or not, then clearly YOU ARE VERY INSANE INDEED, PROBABLY MICHAEL JACKSON WARP FACTOR 8, HOWLING AT THE MOON, BATSHIT CRAZY, therefore, we're happy to inform you that you pass as merely 'weirdly unusual'".

Those fuckers.

The End of the World is Nigh

You know that song "Happy Days Are Here Again"? Well happy days just went right up the Swanee because yes, the Dark Uberlord is back in the country and all up in my grill.

He spent the day having meetings, catching up with the state of global affairs with our client and other such noble things, while I spent mine transcribing documents, doing a boatload of expenses and trying not to kill him. Which is harder than it sounds!

I actually accomplished a lot of mundane crap I'd been putting off forever and managed the complicated chore of eating something called a "Big Turk" (yes, his name was Mustafa and he smelled like falafel and anti-American decay) so the day ended on a high note after all. My motto is quite simple: No chocolate, no point.

I do actually alter that motto depending on mood. "No cheese, no point" is another one. "No tequila, no point"? Goes without saying.

"No flow chart, no point" is yet another of my favorites. Which brings me neatly to this piece of crap:

Click click for the big, expanded chart but really, it's not worth it, it's pretty crappy

Remember, I never said this entry would be any good, I'm merely posting or people nag me and are all like "Oh Guv, you haven't posted in DAYS I can't possibly live without you, I might pine away and die, please, please for the love of God and all that is holy, post a new entry so I don't have to cut myself to take my mind off the awful quagmire of doom that is a life without your irreverent observations and sarcastic outbursts. Please make me a flow chart or I will surely die."

It's a sad state of affairs really.