Average

This is a typical story about Mr. Panty Waist. It's like an average. Almost a composite of so many other near identical incidents that occurred over my time there, that helped mold me into the sweet, cheerful, bastion of sanity you see before you today.

It was a day like any other, and I was sulking because Mr. Panty Waist had called that morning whining angrily (for a change) about another one of my obvious inadequacies. I'd taken a vacation day the previous day because my friend was going to be in town from the UK. Naturally, a day where Mr. Panty Waist has to fend for himself, is a very dangerous day indeed.

I imagine it's a little like organizing your six year old when you have to be away from the homestead for a period of time. You have to leave intricate yet simple to comprehend lists of things that need to be done or that you are supposed to be doing. For your six year old you might pack up a lunch and leave homework instructions. "You must read two pages of your book and you may not, at any time, eat crayons."

For Mr. Panty Waist you might write an essay called "Stating The Fucking Obvious" because sincerely that's what the man needed. "First you put one foot on the floor, now the other, then you stand up. Next proceed to...."

So on my first day back he called, naturally from home, since it was still morning and we didn't live in fantasy land, people.

“[Sigh] Yesterday something happened when you were out….[sigh] and I’m not very happy about it…what I’m saying is….in other words…apparently I was supposed to have a meeting with Cruella deVille, but I had to cancel it because….what I’m saying is I didn’t know I was having any meeting so I didn't come in. It wasn’t on my calendar, do you know what I’m saying? I didn’t know about the meeting because it wasn't on my calendar….”

He went on that way for about four months till I wanted to lodge something white hot and sharp up his rectorial© region.

Firstly, I had not only told him about that meeting, it was that colossal horse's ass who told me, not two days earlier, to set it up and for that particular day. When I yelled “Is three o’clock tomorrow ok?” he replied with, “Yes that’s fine.”

This was par for the course for the guy. He'd say something and promptly forget it ten minutes later.

Secondly, he doesn't for all intensive purposes have a calendar because he refuses to learn how to operate his computer therefore didn't know how to access the Outlook calendar where everything is scheduled nice and clearly, despite being shown about oh...seven trillion times.

I don't know, is it just me? Am I a goddamn genius of humanity? Is it that hard to click on a button that says "calendar"? Do we have opposable thumbs or am I thinking of some other parallel universe?

So he called me on this particular morning and he claimed it was the first he’d heard of any meeting with Satan. Whine, whine, whine, why didn't I inform him of this meeting, why did I drop the ball on such an important meeting? In the end I gave up correcting him because you learn from experience it's not worth the hassle. It's better to just bite on your tongue and think about his fat head roasting over a bonfire with an apple wedged in his cake hole.

I merely grunted one word answers at him till he hung up. He hated that. It drove him nuts. And I was all about driving him nuts. In fact I devoted two whole years to driving him nuts and I consider it my greatest failure to date simply because well...he was clearly nuts before I got anywhere near him.

Naturally, on such occasions I would hear about "my mammoth error" several thousand times throughout the week until I started consulting the Interwebz to find out if there was any information on an efficient way to disembowel a spoiled, disgruntled New Englander and dispose of the evidence in an sufficiently secretive manner.

I drew a lot of cartoons that year of Mr. Panty Waist. It was like cheap therapy. One day I swear, I'm going to post them.

Talking of cartoons: THIS site allows you to draw your obnoxious boss and post your feelings. Check it out if you want a good giggle. I have two on there (#84 and #85 if you care - the first is of Quasi from THIS entry and the second is me listening to Mr. Panty Waist on the phone.)