When Assistants Are Speechless

Today my boss said to me:

"You need to be a bit more aggressive when it comes to my travel plans."

That's definitely a first. Someone telling the Guv'ner she needs to be more aggressive! This cheered me up enormously. I had instant visions of booking future flights by going down to the travel department with a sawn-off shotgun and making them do degrading things to each other with nipple clamps and bleach.

Except I like our travel department people. They bend over backwards for us to get us out of last minute jams. They're my friends. So this fantasy does not seem as pleasing as say, the idea of...hog-tying the boss of my former ad team to a curtain rod and roasting her over a bonfire. Why can't I get more aggressive with her?

"More aggressive?" I asked, a little unsure of his meaning.

"Well my flight tonight..." he said, flustered. "I'm in business class. And I hate business class. My first class upgrade hasn't come through." Travel try to get him free upgrades when available and more likely than not they come through by the time he reaches the airport, unless it's a particularly busy week such as the end of a holiday weekend (hello!).

I should just interject at this point that I pray the day will come where I am in the position to stomp my feet and whine that I have to fly business class. That will be the same day I'm carted off in a strait jacket to the mental hospital screaming, "Marry me Ben Stiller, you hunk of hot flesh!" In other words, NEVER.

I thought briefly about how the boss would look with an apple wedged in his mouth and a fork in his ass.

"You need to be more aggressive when booking my travel if it's for overnight flights." he clarified. "Because I can't sleep in business class. I need first."

This is all well and good, however our company policy is, only the CEOs of the branches can fly first class ever, unless business class is categorically not available and you agree by signing your name in blood on parchment, that you will allow your wife to be sodomized by a donkey at the holiday party. The CFO will not authorize first class travel and the travel head will not allow me to book it without this authorization. It's out of my hands.

"I'm not allowed to book first class." I told him. "It's policy. Jane (Travel lady) won't book it without an authorization form stating the cost difference."

He got exasperated. "Jim (CFO) and I have an 'agreement'." he said, "so basically when I'm flying at night overseas I get to fly first class."

Now, not to be pedantic here, but if I had such an "agreement" with my boss that was distinctly to my benefit, such as the authority to fly first class when necessary and have the company rules not apply to me, I might want to let the person who arranges my travel (i.e., ME) and the person who books it (i.e., Jane) know this secret so we can procure the correct class of service. Because, although I've been working hard on it and corresponding with Harry Potter, I am not yet able to read minds.

So he was a little peeved at me for, a) not knowing what his great bulbous brain was thinking, and b) for not being able to upgrade tonight's flight ten minutes before he left for the airport and with no one around to authorize spending the extra three grand.

I was so annoyed when he left, I penned an email to the CFO asking if such an agreement existed and if I was permitted to book first class travel in future overnight flights. I can't wait for his response which I guarantee will be something along the lines of, "Why the fuck doesn't he fly Virgin like everyone else, because in business class their seats flatten all the way back allowing a person to sleep!"

And my boss will shit.

Because Virgin? Really? Planes full of video games and youths with long hair and loud music and drunk British people? Plus he's an American Airlines platinum member so you know...you get "favors". I'm not sure if by "favors" it means, free champagne, complimentary upgrades or a high class hooker flight attendant. I don't care either.

He called me from the airport all smiles. "I got the upgrade!" he yelled! "Well fuck-a-doodle-doo!" I replied, although it was silently in my head.

He's a decent boss in so many ways,for example, today he said to me, "You know, you're really great with the clients, they're always complimenting you!", which is nice, but then he always has this "What, you mean you CAN'T read my mind?" thing going on and it gets really old, really fast.