Keeping You Down in Ridiculous Ways

Some companies have traditions in place for things like anniversaries. You know, “Mr. Tongue-Down-Pants has been with the company for five years, let’s get everyone in the conference room, order in sub-standard catering and the CEO can talk bullshit for twenty minutes about dedication.”

After the talk everyone gets to eat mediocre cookies, warm fruit plates and drink iceless Diet Coke, while Mr. Tongue-Down-Pants is presented with a gift of appreciation for his time with the company.

And he stands, beaming in the middle of the floor, opening the rather corporate looking packaging, so sterile it looks like it was decontaminated beforehand, although the paper probably cost $30 a sheet from some high end designer store, while gushing about the honor bestowed upon him. And when the wrapping is off he holds up…a stuffy leather portfolio folder with his initials embossed on the front and his grin gets wider and he says “Gosh…thanks a lot!” while his glazed, glued-on expression is screaming, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this shit, where is the $500 gift voucher to J Crew and my Yankees season ticket you fuckwads?”

And so begins another year of disillusion.