She joined the firm in April and by June she acted like she was running it. It should be noted that this ridiculous, whining wannabe was a junior staff member with several layers of title still hovering, out of reach, above her head. She was amazingly incompetent at the simplest little task, like using Word or Excel, saving documents to the company shared drive and ordering her own lunch. She would yell like her ass was on fire, into a speaker-phone rather than pick up the receiver and talk to a person. When out of the office she would call several times a day to check her plants had been watered. She deserved death by the most painful method permissible and in my deepest fantasies, she got it, frequently.
At the time I was working for Mr. Panty-Waist and an equally loathsome female EVP (who deserves her own entries later) and this new junior staff member was tacked on because she had no administrative support and was quite clearly incompetent of providing herself with any. She took this to mean she had a personal secretary who lived only to fulfill her every dream and to hell with everyone else. So I’d be working on a 100 slide PowerPoint deck for Mr. Panty-Waist and co. and she would call me to screech things like, “Can you order me a salad? Can you call around local shoe repair places to see if they can fix my heel? Can you call my estate agent and ask….”
That woman is lucky she wasn’t discovered bludgeoned to death in a ditch.
Here’s something I wrote at the time I worked for her to make myself feel better.
Dear J-LO,
I realize it must be difficult for you, being an ultra important executive with many ultra important decisions to make each day, like “Do I wear the Prada top with these shoes?” and “I wonder if I can rent a car this weekend and charge the company for it, and OH does that come in green?” – decisions all so stupendously huge and time consuming that they prevent you from either entering your own time in the web accessible timesheet, checking your own voice mail or picking up your phone. I have noticed, however, that you’re not too busy to sit in your office and blankly stare at it ringing. I’m sure it’s hard to multi-task such strenuous chores that require so much brain power at once. However, here are a few simple points I think you may like to take into consideration. Pay attention because some of the words used have more than one syllable:
- There are other people in the office besides you. I’m sure you haven’t noticed them since you continuously walk all over them. Maybe you left your glasses at home as well as your cell phone/brain/manners? Three of those people I provide support for, a fact which, I’m sure you’re not aware of, since you seem to think I have nothing better to do than run around after you, your plants and your inane wishes all day long.
- Boy, are you stupid! And you have no eyelashes. Go back to Mars, freak!
- Maybe you would like to take a short course in how to use Word, Excel and PowerPoint so that I don’t have to spend frustrating hours trying to correct documents that you started only to lose patience, screw up and attempt to blame me for.
- I’m sure our IT guys would be happy to put aside a half hour to show you how to save documents to our shared drive so that all we lesser mortals can access them when need be instead of recreating them from scratch at 6:30 p.m. for editing when we should be going home and you’re nowhere to be found.
- It’s flattering that you have all your workmen, friends and estate agents calling me at the office to give messages to you instead of maybe calling your cell phone, but I actually have other things to do that prevent me from sitting on my derriere at my desk all day waiting for your friends to call. Maybe you could, you know…don’t pass out or anything….deal with your personal life, YOURSELF?
- Perhaps you’d like to bend over so I can wipe your ass?
- I have a great idea. Why don’t you take a big step up and get over yourself.
Yeah. I liked her a lot.
