Jlo Rears Her Ugly Head

JLO...Rear....see what I did there?

It's a slow day so I'll just tell you this. Back when I was working for the horse's ass known as "JLO" I composed the following letter for my own amusement. I'm pretty sure if she ever did write me a letter this would be pretty spot on. I found it in an old Live Journal entry.

You don’t water my plants enough. Just because I’m here doesn’t mean I am going to do it. I have stuff to do sitting at my desk looking at my feet. I have to clean my glasses, that kind of deal. In fact, if you could clean my glasses I’d appreciate it. Well, not appreciate it so much as expect it. Jump to it.

You may have noticed that I don’t know nothing about using a computer or indeed about double negatives. This is why you must do all my work for me. What’s the point in having an assistant if she doesn’t do stuff for me? Do you know a good long lasting mascara? Oh wait, I have no eyelashes.

Please compile me a list of how the fax machine operates. What numbers do I have to press to make it do that whistling noise it makes? Where does the paper go? How does my paper get to someone in Australia? Does it break into pieces and form again at the other end, like Mike TeeVee in 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory'?

How do I turn my computer on? Is my email on it? Please ask the IT department for me as I need to know these details. Can I have a higher quality Internet and not just the standard one everyone else has? I have important things to do. And Saks Fifth Avenue dot com has a sale.

Get me flights for next week to somewhere on some day from someplace. Make sure they have my points number. I have a lot of points because I am special. Make sure they know.

Please find out if our office services guy can install a toilet in my office? I notice the office next door is free maybe they can convert that? And can he prise open the window in my office? My office smells like poon.

Please let me know how to make the little paper clip man disappear on my word processor, he is making disagreeable faces at me. Drop everything and take care of me NOW.