Today...

1. Just because a communal printer needs paper does not mean I have to be the one fill it. You have arms, fill the fucker yourself, you self-righteous, fresh from college little snot.



2. Coffee? Do I look like a waitress to you?



3. Just what is it that our in-house restaurant is serving that is causing the ladies’ room, at 2:30 p.m. every afternoon, to smell like the entire Eastern Seaboard took a monumental dump all at the same time, spritzed it with perfume and left it to brew in a steam of its own vapors?



4. So basically, you had me pull strings and cajole with a haughty Frenchman to get you a reservation at Hot New Restaurant and now, two minutes before the reservation you are asking me to cancel? I have a novel idea. You call the place and have some temperamental Gallic madman yell at you for a change, asswipe.



5. I WILL NOT DO AN EXPENSE REPORT FOR A BOTTLE OF AQUAFINA. I wouldn’t even expense a bottle of water and I don’t make six figures a year. Well, OK, I do, it’s just that most of mine come after the decimal point.



6. Anything involving your laundry does not technically fit into my job description.



7. So let me get this straight;
   
   a) You earn almost a quarter million bucks a year?
   
   b) You had a nice, expensive, exclusive meal with your wife and neighbor (who also earns a nice hugely insulting salary) at a top city restaurant and you want me to bill a client for it?
   
   c) You also want to expense the gas your car used getting to the restaurant and the bridge tolls?
   
   d) WTF?