The Boss Is Confused. The Guv'ner Is An Idiot. We'll Call It a Tie.

Today's travel clusterfuck went thus: We had a snow warning in New York and some flights got canceled so the travel department, being forward thinking about such things, got The Boss a back-up flight just in case his flight back from Colorado was delayed hugely or heaven forbid, he get stranded in Colorado and eaten by bears. I sort of preferred the bears option personally, but the Travel Department are good, outstanding citizens who like their executives alive. And without teeth marks. Or puncture wounds. Or like...stumps for limbs. I think I'm getting excited! My cold black heart's a-flutterin'.

The problem with this plan? They didn't bother telling ME they'd arranged a second flight as a back up and, as it turned out, a third also in case number two befell some unforeseen and totally bogus tragedy.

Hee. I said number two. Hee.

Anyway, around 5 in the pee em, just as I'm unplugging my iPod in readiness for a swift exit, I get a phone call from Delta. Telling me that The Boss's flight has been delayed an hour and will now depart at 8:10 p.m. I email The Boss this info as he is mysteriously incommunicado with some golf clubs.

Then I think, "Hold on one goshdarn minute there mister!" because I wasn't born yesterday. "The Boss is on American."

I check itineraries. And sure enough, he is on American. Not Delta. So I think, "Hmm... something is not hunky dory in the land of travel plans." Because I think we just established I wasn't born yesterday.

Then I get a phone call from The Boss saying "So my flight's at 8:10 now? But...aren't I on American?" insert sound of crickets.

I call our travel department and get my buddy Jay. Jay's big and black and has a voice like smooth, sweet treacle. Every time I see or talk to him I'm reminded of Chef from South Park singing songs about "laying you down by the fie-ah and making sweet love to ya woo-man". He checks the data base and says, "Woo-man, your boss is still on that American flight at 7 p.m. It isn't delayed or canceled. But...wait...."

Oh God. What?

It's then that Jay tells me that Jane our travel lady booked a Delta flight as back up and a Continental one as well for variety (we are not planeist!) just in case a blizzard suddenly came along and lay down on New York City and flights get all screwed up and diverted to like...Newfoundland. Which wouldn't work. Since it snows all the time there. Hmmm. Didn't think that through at all...

I don't get it though. If one airline cancels their flights why would another one not? Is there some big business "My airline's harder than your airline" type competition going on? Is there some juiced up, beefy-jawed pilot at Delta going, "Bring it ON baby! Gimme that blizzard. Ice it up too. In fact, set that sucker on fire! El Flamo baby, that's my name. And no, that doesn't make me sound gay at all! Where are my steroids? Inject that sweet liquid right into my ass cheek like Roger Clemens at a frat party! No challenge is too great for DeltaMan (TM)! You American Airlines guys are pussies!" He'd be all macho and stick his chin in the air kinda like the dude from "American Dad" and he'd totally chew razor blades and eat puppies on his sandwiches.

Barbecued crispy puppies.

Anyway, since we still have the original 7 p.m. booking I call The Boss, who miraculously has his cell on for a change and who is about to use his extra hour to enjoy a dram of something expensive and nippy at the hotel bar to inform him that "Oh my God, get ye to the airport, immediatement s'il vous plait!"

Naturally, when I explain the "Well see, I have this flight then we have these back up flights..." he hears, "blah blah rhubarb, nnnnnth ummmmbbbbbb drool" and I have to explain it five other times the last one being like this: "Flight at 7. Get to airport. Plane will depart. Get ass on plane." all while running round my office with my arms extended like an airplane.

Finally, he ran off to ready his departure and I escaped before he could call me back to explain all over again.

Gosh, I can't wait for tomorrow, can you? I can't see anything POSSIBLY going wrong.