Why Phones Are Evil (part 50)

Today my boss called me to ask me how to place a call to Brazil using an American cell phone from the United Kingdom. Because apparently I am a walking instruction manual of international phone doings.

The question was would he dial Brazil as if he were calling from a UK number or would he dial as though he were calling from the USA, since his cell phone has an American number? He was getting impatient and antsy that I didn't know this off the top of my head.

"But you're British!" he said, as if that meant something. "You call overseas from the UK all the time."

"But I call from a land line!" I said, thinking of the twelve billion dollars a minute I'd be paying to use my cell phone for such a purpose. "And I call the United States not Brazil. I dial 001 then the number."

"I tried that!" he said impatiently. "It doesn't work."

"Well, that is because Brazil is not the United States." I reminded him. "001 is the USA. Brazil's code is 55. You would dial 00-55 then the number."

Some mumbling and other rumblings on the other end. I think he thought I was quite likely making this up as I went along. Silly boss. If I was making anything up I'd have him call 1-800-BIG-TITS or something equally satisfying.

"Will that work?" he asked suspiciously.

"It will work from a land line." I reminded him, "but from your cell, I don't know. You would have to try it. We are in the 'trial and error' phase."

I called our Telecom department who said, "Well it's simple. He has an American phone with an American number, he should call as if he was in the United States. He should dial 011-55 then the number just like he would do from the office."

I conveyed this to my boss who I could feel getting redder with impatience by the second, even from 3,000 miles away. He disappeared to try this method.

In the meantime I called a friend who deals with international calling stuff on a regular basis and he said, "I think you would still call as if you were calling from a UK land line number, even on a U.S. cell. He should dial 00-55 then the number." which is the opposite of what our Telcom people said.

Grrr...

Boss calls back five minutes later his voice a whole pitch higher. "I can't get through!" he is fuming. "I get these beeps..."

"You're quite sure those 'beeps' aren't just the phone ringing?" I ask as kindly as possible in case he blows a gasket as my suggestion he might have the brain of a pea. "Because some of those foreign phones sound different."

"The number doesn't work." he said. "The number. It does. Not. Work."

I tell him to try the second option, of dialing 00-55 before the number.

"We really need to learn how to do these things!" he says furiously, and by "we" I am in no doubt he means me.

Two minutes later he called again. "I still can't get through." he said. "I can't get this damn thing to work."

I'm pretty sure he's doing something stupidly wrong because he and machinery of any sort are diametrically opposed. Asking him to do anything technical is like handing a laptop full of encrypted Government files to a dyslexic ape.

"Why don't I call the gentleman," I suggest "and patch him through to you?"

So I call the man in Brazil and get through immediately. I conference him into my boss in London and all is well. Typically, to call my boss all I have to dial is the same number I'd dial if he were on the next block here in NYC.

And people wonder why I hate telephones with a rabid passion. Hello?

Oh, and if anyone has any idea how one dials Brazil from the UK on a US cell phone, be sure to let me know. Thanks.