Still Serene....Sort Of

Today has been deceptively quiet and serene again. I say “deceptively” because although it is indeed quiet and not filled with tense, hair pulling situations that make you want to reach for a bong and the yoga matt, it is also filled with disguised anguish in the form of my somewhat podgy boss (what did he eat over the holiday I wonder, a few sweet meats or his whole family?)

I got him a huge bottle of booze for Christmas because I thought it only polite and because if he, in return, got me zip, I could pour that bottle of booze over his fat head and set it on fire, providing entertainment and a long absence during which I could relax and ignore work completely. Naturally, he got me nothing and the booze is nowhere to be seen. Damn! So much for the plan.

You see the Guv’ner always has a plan. It might not be a smart plan or even a particularly well thought out one, but it’s a plan nonetheless. A planless Guv’ner is like a small, insignificant child tossed like seaweed upon a wild ocean during a typhoon, clinging to a raft made from like….palm tree fronds and the sinews of turtles. A scary and pathetic sight to behold.

Today my boss said, “Get the number for [new lady] from the directory.” Which I dutifully did.

“This isn’t right!” said boss, frowning like a diseased Teletubby. “[woman] has a different area code!”

“Well this is the number in the directory.” I told him. “That is the only number there is.”

“Well it’s wrong, you should make sure to give me the right number.” he said like I should automatically know when someone's number is wrong and sulked off to his office to stare at his feet. Because, you know I am responsible for the directory all by myself. For 9,000 people. NOT.

Later he came in and tossed some money on my desk. “Go buy tea for my guest.” he said and mumbled something about getting him a Coke.

“Diet?” I asked, because he always drinks Diet Coke or Pepsi. I wasn’t hinting that his gigantic bulbous belly region needed trimming or anything.

“Regular!” he snapped as if I’d asked if his mother fucked baboons. And actually, that would go a long way to explaining a lot…

Since then he’s been generally whiny and silly.

Last night he had a dinner with an ex-client that another of our Account Heads was involved in. At the last minute my boss decided to change the venue and go to the client instead of making them traipse into the city. He naturally didn’t bother telling the other Department Head who was attending, this vital information. I called her on the off chance, since little alarm bells were going off in my head and what do you know - it was complete news to her. If my boss had his way she’d still be in NYC sitting confused and abandoned at a little corner table of an expensive restaurant drinking Martinis, getting teary and drunk and waiting for people who would never come. Isn’t that sad?

Then I remembered she is my extremely annoying ex-boss and a total mega-bitch. This pleasing image of her all alone in a busy restaurant, tears dripping down on the gingham table setting, started to give me a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my tummy and I had to slam my head off the desk as penance for preventing this awesome fantasy from ever coming true.

I blame this head cold. It’s slowing down my evil thinking.