Everything Tuesday

Today, Tuesday, is also known as “The Day of Bloody Mayhem” in NYC. This is because we have problems handling one “event” at a time – OK…I do - but any more than that, you can fuggedaboutit.

Firstly we had this huge ticker-tape parade taking place downtown for the award-winning, killjoy, sporting upsetters, those enormous coffee bean throwers, the NY Giants, making me thankful I work up here in midtown therefore got to escape the crazy that no doubt ensued. I know nothing about football except those boys are way too fond of the shoulder pad and tight pants. It’s all grunting and sweating, touching each other’s asses and rubbing one another’s helmets.

Whoa, I just got the sudden urge to sing YMCA…

Today’s also not the most pleasant weather so that ensures lots of wet, paper pulp littering the streets, which better be cleared by the time I get home tonight, slackers!

Then of course it’s Super Tuesday so naturally much voting has commenced in the five boroughs. I pretend to be uninterested because, frankly, they don’t let me vote as I’m a filthy, stinking, commie, Godless foreigner so I reserve my right to sit back and watch the proceedings while mocking all the candidates in any way I see fit.

This being NYC and not renowned for its Republican stance, my subway entrance this morning was swamped with Hillary and Obama supporters, thrusting leaflets and buttons and their throbbing, sweaty groins in my direction - I made one of those things up (they had no buttons). They tried to follow me down the steps like I’m a purty celebrity. “Vote for Hillary!” one whispered furtively, nodding at me sincerely and waiting for a response.

“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts!” I replied cheerfully and swiped my way through the turnstiles to safety.

You know what I'd like? I'd like just one candidate to ask ME what I'd like them to do for me if they became President. Because I have some suggestions (of course I do). Firstly, I'd like to be able to enjoy all bad, bad, heavenly things tax free (even the illegal ones). I would like some affordable healthcare and decent education but apart from these things I'd be happy if the government would butt out of my life altogether, unless it's to bring me a wheelbarrow filled with money, a bottle of top shelf tequila and an Uzi.

Most importantly of all, today is Pancake Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday! A day for a face stuffing and I’m happy to report, my coworkers have started early by providing us with many cookies, coffee and pastries. This is a quite splendid and unexpected occurrence. Tonight I will bake up a storm of crepes to drizzle in lemon juice and sugar as is the British way and will proceed sucking them down like oxygen while the election results come in.

The Dark one just left for Europe again and I am drowning in future trips and travel arrangements that need to be made, so I will commence swinging on my chair and singing along with this old Jesus and Marychain album and maybe tomorrow I'll consider doing some work.

I do have a lovely bunch of coconuts.