Dear Sir,
While I am flattered and downright thrilled by your kind offer to send me a free, six-month subscription to “Meetings Weekly”, I am afraid I have to decline your very generous offer. While I am quite sure you are correct when you say it will “…greatly enrich and enhance my conference experience” with its myriad of business jargon, corporate accessories and interesting tips on making your PowerPoint presentations “pop”, I think I would much rather dip my toes in ketchup, gnaw them off and spit them at a small child. Please, never send me this publication unless you, in turn, would like me to show up at the offices of your swanky magazine with a sawn-off shotgun and malice in my heart, to bring you all some surprise tiny, metal gifts and a ten second start.
Yours MOST Sincerely,
The Guv’ner
Dear People at Brand Week,
Thank you very much indeed for continuing to make my day, every day. In fact, if I can let you into a little secret, there are days I feel quite sad and I just don’t want to get out of bed, however it is the promise of your daily subscription reminders that forces back the sheets and lets me greet the day with sunshiney enthusiasm. One reminder a day is exactly the right number I need to remember to re-subscribe to a publication I haven’t actually subscribed to in three years, but thank you for reminding me! Truly! In fact, I love your magazine so much, I may take each and every one of those sub cards up on the offer of $149 for a whole year of Brand Week joy at your special subsidized rate. I mean look a gift horse in the noggin? Not I Sir! It’s a bargain at half the price. I would never for one second suggest you take all those notifications you keep mailing me and shove them up your ass sideways and that I hope they paper-cut the entire inside of your poop chute till you cry like a peeled baby rubbed with salt.
Die In A Fire,
The Guv'ner
Dear Readers’ Digest,
NO!
Sincerely,
The Guv’ner
Dear Sir,
Why yes, I surely would love to enroll in some classes at Harvard, thanks so much for asking me yet again. I assume since you are courting me so heavily, that you will be paying? I’m in New York, however, would I be compensated for the daily commute to Cambridge and back? I feel, under the circumstances it’s the least you could do.
I am particularly interested in your course on "How To Dispose Of Bodies Without Detection" and its sister class on "Flesh Eating Acids".
There are many fine Ivy League establishments trying to snare me, you know, you have to work for this ticket, pal. I feel I have to accept your offer, however, because you are obviously keen to get me judging by the invitation I receive every single Monday, enticing me to enroll. God bless you and your stalker mentality. I would however, ask that from here on in, you refer to me in all correspondence as "Professor Guv'ner" and I would like it known that I am not above accepting bribes.
The Guv’ner
