Hell In Excel

Yesterday, I received via email, an Excel spreadsheet that could only have been created by Satan himself, while high on amphetamines. It was the sort of document that was so text heavy, full of unnecessary vertical page breaks, and had about forty sheets contained within all so full of gibberish, that you wondered why the person didn’t just create it in Word like a normal, rational human being (you know, like ME), negating the need for me to curse like a sailor and threaten people’s grandmas. And write ginormous sentences like that one up there.

I briefly entertained the notion of inserting random formulas that would bring up cells saying "DIE YOU C*CKS*CKER!" but sadly this function doesn't seem to have been invented yet.

Naturally, the Dark Überlord insisted on having a print out of this mammoth document because his retinas would melt and ooze onto the floor if he was forced to look at something on a screen. All the more reason to do it, I say.

The problem was Satan had cunningly incorporated more text than a cell can hold into many areas of the spreadsheet which meant you had to click the cell to get a pop up of the contents, making it virtually unprintable. Trying to paste said contents into various other cells didn't work either and I ended up with this page that looked like something a dyslexic spider had woven. Now I’m quite familiar with Excel in its basic form, can work with data bases and write formulas, etc., but this text heavy nonsense is making me insane. This means today I get to spend all day working out how to reformat this beast and recreate the excess contents so the Überlord can have a hard copy. This should take me oh….the rest of my natural (and unnatural) life.

The man’s in Canada today (a lucky feat of fortune or else he’d have a spear in his eye) and I was planning a sort of office “spa” day – music, feet up, snacks, blog reading, all very ambient and lovely. Instead, it’s Hell in Excel for me, so please send food/vibes/gun/hunky man with cake/news on how to print this mofo of a document in order to save the Guv’ner’s sanity. Thank you!

Please donate cocktails!